Archive for December, 2004

Thursday, December 30th, 2004

my new years promises

  1. Start drinking again, I have been too darn happy lately and filling my body with depressants is obviously the way to go. Try to get drunk at least twice a day just to make sure I am doing it right.
  2. Start smoking again, I quit 2 years ago and well, I still want one. I will just give in to the craving and enjoy life much less. Hopefully get up to 2 packs a day to get more exercise for my lungs, I haven’t been coughing enough.
  3. Eat lots more fatty and high carb food and put on a lot of weight. I hate that smirk on my face when I look in the mirror, getting fat will fix that!
  4. Live more dangerously by uninstalling my anti-virus program that thought it was necessary to update itself for 10 minutes while I was in the middle of typing #3. It cares too deeply for the welfare of my PC and I love that it annoys the hell out of me at least once a day.
  5. Have less sex, being sexually satisfied is waaay overated and frankly bores me to tears.
  6. Be more rude to people I don’t know, why should I worry about being pleasant when it’s obvious they don’t give a damn.
  7. Be more rude to people I do know, that way they will know I at least care enough to go out of my way to be rude.
  8. Be kinder to telemarketers when I am busy making an imaginary $20,000 on Jeopardy reruns and they call and annoy the bejeesus out of me.
  9. Stop leaving comments at people’s blogs that I admire so they won’t feel so special anymore. I hate when they feel more special than me, so that’s gotta stop!
  10. Think more negative, being positive that things will get screwed up is bad for me, from now on I will be negative and know that things will not work out badly.

Just Kidding! Happy New Year!!

Wednesday, December 29th, 2004

bag girl

Stopped at a light I spotted a young woman struggling with a shopping cart in a parking lot. A wheel was caught in a hole in the pavement. I noticed her long, pretty red hair, somewhat wavy, she was wearing a knit cap and a long dress. She briefly turned to my direction and I was struck by her face, haggard is how I can best describe it. That’s when it dawned on me she was much more than an ordinary shopper. She was a “Bag Lady” one of the people that are always amuseingly depicted in TV and movies, except I couldn’t feel amused by her predicament.

She appeared to be 30ish and it just doesn’t feel right to call her bag lady,”Bag Girl” seems more appropriate because of her age. I wasn’t sure whether I should feel sorry for her, the brief peek I got of her eyes made it seem as though she were blissfully unaware that she was in a “predicament” What is it about people like her that captures our imagination? Maybe they have found the true secret to enjoying life, by living a life of abject isolation from the mainstream. Closed off by the customs of our society, sentenced to a place where there is possibly no hope of recovery. Or maybe they just don’t know any better. I like to think they are happy with things the way they are, but I am pretty sure I am wrong. What do you think?


The Monkey and the Cue Ball

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on a leash.

“Hey, Mac, mind if I bring my monkey in? He’s well trained and won’t bother anyone.

“Sure no problem, what will you have?”

The man orders a beer and looks around, meanwhile the monkey amuses himself on a barstool by sneaking pieces of fruit from the garnish tray on the bar. The barkeeper notices and yells at the man to make the monkey behave. This frightens the monkey and it scampers over to a pool table and picks up the cue ball and swallows it whole.

“Hey, get the hell out of here and take that damn monkey with you too”

A week later the man stops back in to the bar.

“Hey bud, I’m sorry about my monkey eating your cue ball, I will gladly pay for it. Mind if we come in? I promise to make him behave”

“Yeah, I suppose, come on in”

The man settles in with another beer and the monkey perches on the edge of the bar. It was well behaved at first but started getting fidgety and soon enough sneaks a cherry out of the garnish tray. It then bends over and sticks the cherry up it’s ass, pulls it out and then eats it!

“Holy mackerel! Did you just see what your monkey did? He stuck that cherry up his ass then he ate it! How disgusting!”

“Yeah he’s been doing that ever since he ate that cue ball, tries everything he eats for fit before he eats it.”

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

blog o’the week

I got this idea after doing some “Next Blog” surfing last night and repeatedly ran in to 99% pure drivel, teen angst, wish i were dead, alternating caps crap, browser snatching, transition fading, cursor dingleberry programmed, weird ass music playing that you can’t turn off, “Next Blog” button removing, update browser demanding that you have to dump the page to get out of, blinding background using, wildly colored teeny tiny text using, with super cool fonts they are running so that all the text looks like little squares cause nobody else has that font installed, blogs.

I decided I could be helpful by pointing out that 1 in a thousand that doesn’t suck.The requirements are simple, it has to be fairly new, does not include ANY of the above mentioned crap, the writer has to be literate, has at least 6 posts or more and has no comments to speak of, yet. And shows possible promise of being a good blogger. I am not going to judge them myself. That’s for you guys to do, well do I have to do all the work? Pitch in!

Remember how discouraging it was when you feared no one would read you and you were just a cry in the wilderness? I do and I thought maybe I could help someone out. My first blog o’the week is called “yet another blog…” and can be found here and also a link near the top of my sidebar called of course “Blog o’ the Week” So give it a shot, maybe you will like it, if so, leave a comment of course!

Monday, December 27th, 2004

We first met as children, her parent’s were friend…

We first met as children, her parent’s were friends with mine. We saw each other infrequently as we got older. I developed a small crush on her in my early teens …

As we aged I saw her more frequently as we went to similar places and hungout with the same crowd. We both seemed to be attached to someone else all the time …

I got married. She got married. We still ran in to each other occasionally.Sometimes hanging out together as couples and frequenting the same nightclubs …

I divorced and didn’t see her for a while but she remained on my mind. I heard she had moved to a different state and remarried …

I divorced again and heard she was still in the other state, happily married. She eventually divorced again and returned to the place we had grown up together …

I was involved in a long term relationship that failed and ended up moving back to the place we had grown up together. I thought of her often but had no idea how she was or where she lived …

I was dead for two years and once again alive and now wondering about the woman of my dreams …

Her mother was in touch with mine recently and she was mentioned. She was single again and not far. I got her phone number and my heart leaped as I dialed her number …

We chatted and got caught up on old times and laughed. I soooo wanted to gush my heart out to her. Tell her about my secret love for her. Tell her how I ached at the thought of her. How I admired her beauty and compassion. And most of all that I wanted her …

Then she mentioned she had just met a really nice guy.

Sunday, December 26th, 2004

This just in….

I thought I would share this, no idea who wrote it #24 is my fav…

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

3.) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids

a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

Tell me your fav!

Saturday, December 25th, 2004

What did I get for Christmas?

  • Popeil Pocket Fisherman – I love these thing’s! No really I do. You can fish from your car. Just stop on a bridge and cast right out the window and BAM you got fish! Thanks Auntee Mae! I’ll bring you some fish! bones you old hag. i’ll store it with the others i got the last couple years.
  • 1yr Readers Digest– thanks Uncle Johnny! now I won’t need to buy tissue for a whole year, i’ll keep these by the john.
  • Musk Cologne-Oh Aunt Margie! You should’nt have! And jeez it’s so huge!the half gallon size is great a few more of these and i can make a bomb.
  • Musk Cologne-Uncle Ray, dude, you rock! now to find out who the hell said i liked musk cologne and keel him.
  • Light House Calendar-Thanks Mom! I love you! what can i say? she reads me!
  • Socks-Thanks again Mom! You are so sweet!
  • 1yr Sports Illustrated-um thanks Dad! well at least i can look forward to the swimsuit issue, sigh. and it’s better than a bag o’broken glass like last years.
  • Bright Red Reindeer Sweater-Gee thanks Aunt Jane! if my mom suggests I go put it on I swear….
  • Hawaiian Theme Ceramic Ashtray-Thank you so much Auntee Louise! Oh you made it yourself, huh? Yeah, this will look great with my contemporary decor. i think i’ll stick it under her car tire before she leaves
  • Keychain Swiss Army Knife-Awww Aunt Mary you are so sweet! now if i join the swiss army i can learn to kill with the plastic toothpick

What a wonderful bounty of potential regifts,

wouldn’t these make your day too?

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

if I were Picard…..

things would be a bit different on the Enterprise! Here are a few example’s.

  • Institute wacky hat nights on the bridge. Imagine Worf in a British Admiralty hat. Picard in a Romulan Asshat. Data with an old Yankees cap.
  • Metallica blasting over the super galaxy class warp powered sound system.
  • There are no speed limits in space, so it’s warp 9 all the time babeee! None of that silly ass warp 3 b.s.
  • Install one of them big ass barefoot looking gas pedals on the floor at Data’s console.
  • Giant trucker mudflaps on the engine nacelles with chrome trim and naked ladies.
  • Big ass air horns on top to scare the bejeesus out of alien life forms and have em play “You Got Another Thing Comin” by Judas Priest to announce our arrival.
  • Keep the life support system set to a cool 65F so the ladies in their skin tight jumpers will have nard hipples all the time.
  • Sticker in rear window: Turn Signal Broken, Watch For Finger
  • Use phasers to write my name on the surface of planets below. Also great for writing “Bite Me” that can be seen from 100,000 miles away.
  • Drag race for pink slips with the Ferengi’s after Data and Geordi installs nitrous oxide boosters and huge blowers to the warp drive.
  • Custom candie apple red paint job, need I say more?
  • Order No1 to go take a No2 often. (shamelessly ripped from Beavis/Butthead)
  • Allow practical jokes like hiding Geordi’s visor and then rearranging Engineering section.
  • Fill photon torpedoes with bright red paint and launch em at Klingon ships then haul ass for fun!
  • Engage? what the hell does that mean? “Nail it, Data” would be better.
  • Be sick often to get those ooo so delicious sponge bath’s from Dr. Crusher.
  • Install gigantic subwoofers under the ship to make loud low booooom sounds and cruise slowly around the Klingon home planet to annoy the hell out of them.
  • Talk more hip: Mr Worf, dude, crank up them phasers and show them asshats we ain’t messing around! or: Romulan vessel, back off beyotch or we gonna shoot photon torpedoes so far up your ass you’ll be shittin nuclear turds for a month!
  • Have crew wear cool T-shirts with stuff like “Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you’re a Klingon asshole!” or: “I Went to Romula and All I Got Was the Ferengi Clap” (credit: Kristin)
  • Bumper sticker: “My other starship is a Harley”
  • Program holodeck emitters to make ship look like the Oscar Meyer weenie mobile or a lowrider 1960 chevy impala.

This is an interactive list, if you brought some funny to add let me know!

Inspired by the evil overlord list

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004

truly madly deeply (caution, mushy content ahead)

take all 3 words and apply the deepest meaning that you can possibly imagine to each one and know, from the bottom of your soul that it is barely enough to describe the feelings you have for her when gazing deeply into her eyes.

take all 3 words and apply the deepest meaning that you can possibly imagine to each one and know, from the bottom of your soul that it is barely enough to describe the feelings she has for you when she gazes deeply into your eyes.

i want that in my life again.

what did you want for Christmas and know that you are not going to get?

Sunday, December 19th, 2004

i bet you didn’t know….RE-UPDATED

these fun facts about New Orleans:

  1. If you are caught pronouncing the name of our city as New Orleens, the local gendarmes will pick you up and whisk you away to a hidden underground bunker at the Royal Sonesta Hotel on Bourbon St. where Gerard Depardieu will beat you silly with a catfish until you can pronounce it correctly. Correct is either N’Awlins or New Awlins or New Alunz depending on how close you live to downtown.
  2. If you can pronounce the name Tchoupitoulas St. correctly you are either a local or a long time resident or ya just got lucky. Correct pronunciation gets you a lifetime subscription to Shrimp & Crawfish Magazine.
  3. If you call crawfish “crayfish” you are immediateley labeled a yankee and sent away to see #1.
  4. Everyone that lives north of Baton Rouge is a yankee. period. no if’s ands or buts. That’s only 1 hours drive north.
  5. If you douse your breakfast eggs with Tabasco hotsauce and chase em down with extra strong cafe au lait you are a true fan of New Orleans food. Keep a picture of those eggs in your wallet, flashing it will keep you from going to #1.
  6. Spicy Red Beans and Rice w/ hot smoke sausage are always eaten on Mondays. Anything with seafood in it is eaten on Fridays, list includes: raw oysters, catfish, crabs and shrimp and tasty cooters at Hooters.
  7. Attending the biggest, most lavish Mardi Gras parades will net you the coolest beads thrown. Rex and Bacchus parades are two excellent ones. Save them suckers for next year and skip the parades. Wear ALL of the beads previously caught to Bourbon St. on Mardi Gras day where they can be exchanged for LOTS of tittie and naughty bits flashing and be sure to have your camera ready.
  8. If you attend the “Cajun Fais Do Do” at Tipitina’s every Sunday then you are a true fan of the cajun undergound culture.
  9. If you get body blocked by a small child while reaching for a cheap ass pair of beads thrown from a float, then and only then can you understand the true spirit of Mardi Gras.
  10. If you come to N.O. and hang out at the Hard Rock Cafe then your ass sucks canal water and we don’t want to know you. You are better off hanging in the quarter at some seedy bar with female impersonators pretending like you are a local along with the 800,000 other tourists that do.
  11. If you walk into a restaurant and order a sandwich called a poor boy and pronounce it that way, see #1. Correct is po’boy.
  12. Jambalaya and shrimp or crawfish etouffe or seafood gumbo and boudin cajun sausage are good to eat any day of the week!
  13. The term “riding the streetcar” can be considered both actually riding a street car on Canal St. or as sexual innuendo.
  14. It is perfectly normal to meet men named “Michele” it’s a good cajun name.
  15. French people (from France) are a buncha whiny assed, fruity looking, Gauloises smoking, chicken shit cajunposerwannabes that smell bad. We can communicate in french but it is NOT the same.
  16. You might think you would look tacky walking aound downtown wearing 100 pairs of cheap ass plastic brightly colored and gaudy beads, but trust me you will blend right in.
  17. If you come to N.O. and don’t eat a muffelata at Central Grocery, expect Mr. Hands to show up at your house, with his own personal catfish and beat you silly.
  18. If you shagged your girlfriend in Pirates Alley behind St. Louis Cathedral, then you automatically become a member of the Krewe of Cajun Booty Pirates.
  19. If you and your girlfriend ever shagged late at night in the tres spooky City of the Dead aka. St. Louis Cemetary, you got my respect cause it’s spooky as hell even in daylight!
  20. The Cafe Du Monde is a wonderful outdoor place to sit and enjoy some of the worlds best cafe au lait (latte and au lait are NOT the same, click link)the old fashioned way and eat chewy powdered sugar coated donuts called beignets (benyays) while gawking at all the tourists walking by. The waiters bring big old-fashioned kettles of boiling hot coffee and another with scalding hot milk and pour them simultaneously right into your cup at the table. Most delicious. Do not miss this landmark across from Jackson Square and the St. Louis Cathedral!

If anyone has any cool fun facts to add to my list, let me know!

Saturday, December 18th, 2004

The Advertiser Slogan Generator Fun Fun Fun

I ripped this cool toy idea from FoFuSa at SNAFU in Sweden.

It’s a slogan generator, just put in any name or whatever and it automatically generates a silly slogan. I used my favorite word and gf: Bitchcakes

  • I’m only here for the Bitchcakes.
  • It’s not TV. It’s Bitchcakes.
  • Whatever you’re into get into Bitchcakes.
  • Snap! Crackle! Bitchcakes!
  • You like Bitchcakes. Bitchcakes likes you..
  • The Bitchcakes Breakfast.
  • There ain’t no party like a Bitchcakes party.
  • See the USA in your Bitchcakes.
  • Go crack a Bitchcakes.
  • Good honest Bitchcakes since 1896.
  • Bitchcakes-Australian for Beer.
  • Come see the softer side of Bitchcakes.
  • It takes a tough man to make a tender Bitchcakes.
  • And finally: Bitchcakes Born and Bred!!

sshhh don’t tell Bitchcakes about this post…..

The link to the Generator is in the Title above or here. Have Fun!