deep sea dumbasses
One of the funniest things I ever saw was a diver that wasn’t working. He was supposed to be guiding an undersea pipeline about 12″ in diameter into a set of saddles going up one leg of an offshore platform. There were cables attached to it from winches and a crane through sets of pulleys rigged up to handle the task. The diver in this situation was supposed to be just guiding the operation from below, giving instructions to the dive controller on how tight each line had to be to get the pipeline into position and then he would bolt the pipe into the clamp in place underwater.
But, once he had the pipe guided in to the clamp he decided he had done enough and took a little nap of sorts underwater. He was working at about 30 feet below the surface and the water was incredibly clear that day and you could see him from the deck. He apparently didn’t realize this because he just sat there on a horizontal brace of the rig giving out imaginary instructions to the dive controller. I was standing on the edge of the vessel tending his hose and had been watching his progress as he did his job, but, once I realized he wasn’t doing anything I motioned the dive controller over to the edge of the deck and pointed to him. After about a minute of watching him do nothing but pretend to work he ended the dive and fired the dude, told him to catch the next boat hitting shoreside. The look of shock on his face was priceless when the controller told him he was being watched from the surface!
Another funny one was a newbie diver that nearly bit his own tongue half off because he didn’t think. One of the diver tenders jobs was to make sure the divers breathing hose was clear and snag free at all times, you actually stood on the edge of the deck holding the hose and tried to gently feel the amount of slack in the hose at all times while the diver was in the water. It needed to be lightly taut at all times to ensure there was no slack or droop in the line that could cause his lifeline to get tangled or damaged in any way. Sounds easy but it’s not, the hose asembly is fairly heavy and it takes quite a bit of experience to tell the difference between the divers pull and the pull of sea currents.
When you help dress your diver out with his diving hat and tools you have to feed enough slack over the edge to make sure he can make a clear jump into the water from the deck from as high as 20 ft sometimes in full gear. Once you ensured everything was clear you tapped the diver on the shoulder to give him the sign to jump. This one guy didn’t wait for the high sign from his tender, there was no slack in the hose and he jumped overboard. The hose caught an obstruction on deck and he didn’t hit the water, the hose jerked him up like a hangmans noose to his harness and the sudden stop made him slam into the hull of the vessel and nearly sever his tongue with his own teeth! They took him away in an emergency chopper, not a good way to make one of your first dives!
I recall one of my first jobs as a newbie tender, me and one diver were on a small barge working in very shallow water. Just me and him were the entire diving crew, that meant I had to care for his gear, the radio equipment, the air compressor (an old hand cranked diesel that was a bitch to start up) plus whatever tools he needed. I was barely seventeen I think and I was stuck with a lot of responsibility. I had to tend his hose and talk to him on the radio to relay instructions to the rigging crew to assist his job in the water, meanwhile making sure everything on deck keeping him alive was working properly and just generally johnny on the spot if shit went wrong. He had been going in and out the water all day, very shallow work and we fell into a routine getting a lot of work done. Since the diesel air compressor was so noisy we shut it off between every short dive when he came up for a break.
He took this one break and I forgot the compressor was off and I got him back into the water and after a few minutes he says on the radio, “hey my air is gettin’ kinda short down here, don’t you think you should start that compressor?” HOLY SHIT! I looked over and sure enough the compressor was off and the gauge on the air tank on deck showed nearly empty! I grabbed that crank handle for the diesel and cranked that damn thing for all I was worth, nearly having a stroke at 17 years old! The bastard thought it was funny, he knew the thing was off before he went in the water and just wanted to hear me panicking on the radio thinking I was killing him! The water was shallow enough there was really no danger of injury and he had a bottle of air on his backpack for emergencies. In the end it was funny but that little incident kept me on my toes for later years, what an experience!
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Sounds down right hair raising there, Monsieur Sept!
is there any job where the newbie doesn’t get tricks played on them?
Hard to believe with these antics that you all were trusting each other with your lives.
Good Morning Hon!
Damn ~ that gives me claustophobia just reading it! Excellent tales tho se7en ~ more!
Did they also trick you by having you search for a left handed air compressor?
Lois Lane
The thought of being underwater that far gives me the heebie jeebies. I salute you!
Yes, the old left handed pipe wrench, the sky hook, the ID10T form, playing tricks on newbies is fun.
I bit my tongue in half once, I will never do it again, try drinking or eating with a gazillion stickes in your tongue.
You should have screamed Shark! into the sleeping guys head set really loud.
Did you ever dive?
Oops. It was a mean trick, but hey, you never forgot again did you? Joke and lesson all in one. Smart man.
Control over someone elses life…Scary.
I have a pic of my tattoo up, you just have to drop by to see it
Yikes. I’m with Inanna. I can’t even watch movies involving underwater scenes. I prefer contained aquatic environments, like 4 foot deep swimming pools.
Wonder why you never forgot that one….
So, how’d you get back at him? There had to be a prank on your end in return….
this is the way we crap our pants, crap our pants, this is the way we crap our pants so early in the morning
Yes! tell us your return prank!
Oh hey I updated my shitlist
Got some eye candy for you over at my place, big boy… hee hee
OK, waiting to hear your prank, LOL, nothing like having control.. LOL
napping under water? now, THAT’S lazy!! I’m about as lazy as it gets, but even I’ve never tried taking a nap under water!!!!
hell that would keep me on my toes too
P.S. - you can do whatever you want at my site darlin
Waaaaay to much stress and responsiblitiy for a job!!
Noonie= hehe, good question! if you hear of one let me know maybe I can help fix that!
amazing huh? I do have a few horror stories about divers being killed on the job, I plan on telling them soon….
Boo= morning!!!!!
Seamus= thanks guy! I have plenty…
Lois= the number of jokes played is amazing, but it’s usually good natured although there are some guys that take it all too seriously and retaliate in such a way that makes them look like total assholes…and then they’re screwed :0
Nanner= not a big deal really, I even met many divers that couldn’t even swim, If you can sink with lead weights on your belt, you can dive!! hehe
Blue= SHARK~!!!
Jethro= yeah I did a couple of short dives just before they were gonna “break me out” from being a tender, no big deal really. It was fun and hard work at the same time.
Micki= One of my divers died while i was operating the equipment, i think I’ll bring that story next. The tattoo looks cool!!
E-Lo= yeah but what you’re presently going thru, being preggers, would scare me more than that!!
Angel= sorry hon, no return prank, I was too newbie and you just didn’t do pranks on your own diver either, you could easily kill your career if you came off as an idiot if the prank backfired in some way.
Celti= babe!! hiya, love that eye candy over at your place!!
Mike= can’t recall ever actually crappin’ my pants, thought i did a few times tho!!
Becka= no prank, I had to suck that one up because of the circumstances =( nice add to your shitlist tho!! hell yeah, who the fukk would “steal” an entire blog!!!!! sheesh!!
Jade= again, no return prank!! =(
Dawn= some people got lotsa nerve
a water nap !!! wtf??
Char= hey grrrl!! yeah, he made me jump but it was really funny. And the stoopid deckhands got a kick out of it too, I think i asked a couple of them if i should have cranked that compressor up, that woulda fixed his ass!!
Brighton= hiya sweetie!! I really took the job in stride, no worries, i wasn’t the one near death in the water!! hahaha!!
Too damn funny, in all cases. I love the water, what a cool job to be out in the open sea all day!
Makes sense. *poink*
I think it’s funny how there’s a total line of work where you have to strap things on and no one thinks that’s dirty.
Good Morning
Forgive me for not commenting sooner…been kinda busy (read: depressed)…
G’morning m’dear!
*poink*
Does it pay more to dive?
Okay… I DID want to be a deep sea diver…. uh…. not anymore!
Where ARE you?
I’ve been sitting in my driveway for days! You need to drive faster… heehee
Sharron= yeah that was the best part, besides the kick ass money hehe. I loved being out on the open water, the nearest shoreline hundreds of miles away sometimes.
Angel= oh yeah!!! well *poink* to you too!!
Boo= morning!!!
Jeanette= once again you surprise with a naughty observation!!
tCj= your muchly forgiven, over and over again… hehe *smooch*~!!
Jethro= diving pays a lot more than tending!! they had a payscale where they got depth pay on top of their daily pay. They didn’t even have to go in the water to get their daily. i saw guys make 6-700 bucks a day way back in the late 70’s. that was a shitload of money back then! No idea what they can make now. Tenders made a lot too but it mostly came from the automatic daily overtime you got just for being there. I wish i could make that money these days!
Tricia= muff diving is a great sport that can be done almost anywhere, maybe i’ll get to show ya my technique someday
hehehe
You been messing around with the new flash program yet? Messed around at your new site again. Looks good!
Where the hell ARE you?
I’m standing here waiting… muff in hand
SEE?
~holds up muff~
heehee
Almost forgot…
matching lilac lace bra and thong with little purple/green roses sown on.
Please se7en…
tell me they have Victoria’s Secret in N.O. or I definitely can’t run away with you!
~smooches~
~spanks~
~poink~
hehe
Morning Love!
I have a mermaid costume.
Just thought you should know
I don’t have any fancy clothes, just my nekkidness. oh well ;(
Morning!
Get back to yer blog slacker - even I’m not that slow…
…well sometimes!
I’m IMing you.
No I’m not you!
I mean…
I’m IMing you.
Oh hell!
Just turn on your stupid yahoo messenger!
Micki= i’m so old I invented dirt!!
thats a little known fact about me!! haha, yes I have just a teeny bit and I made the new flash thingy in the sidebar with it too.
Tricia= hehe don’t fret, i’m here and ooo what a loverly muff!! hahaha!!
tCj= you just figgering that out!! silly
DQ= hiya hot stuff!! I know you’re not a cold fish!! hmmm
Boo= nekkidity can be a good thing! and morning to you too!!
Seamus= LOL yes sir!!
Tricia= it’s on, it’s on!! oh my!
8)
Hello, hello my friend,
Just passingthrough and thought I’d say hi and thatyou are not forgotten.
I’m really busy as per usual, but thta is cool - keeps me out of trouble;)
Like the new look - you seem to changey our blog as often as underwear!!
Catch ya later!
Catherine aka Flirt
he’s aliiiiiiivvvveeeee! bwaaahahahaha! He’s aliiiiiiiive!
ahem.
Mornin!
Flirt= hiya dawlin’!!! good ta see you out and about as always!! no underwear to change so i do the blog instead
Celti= i haven’t died…lately hehe Mornin’ to you too sweetcheeks!! *poink*~!!!
Not just figuring it out…just realizing WHY I love you!
*smooches*
I am so ready for my trip to Spotsylvania!
Look!
~shows fake vampire teeth~
Can you show me Anne Rice’s house?
I was almost there… $67.83… then AirTran raised it to $109, but I haven’t given up yet!
I have dark sunglasses and a walking stick… and a tin can… heehee
So gmail?
Cox mail?
You DO check mail right?????
Commando!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And a tank top.
I’m coming home!
DUDE!
Godsmack so rules!
Has this been here the whole time?
I just turned on my speakers and it started playing… then I realized it was coming from you!
Now I have to go get my CD out of the car.
Favorites:
I stand alone
Keep away
Dare I say it?
Sure what the hell…
Sully’s voice is incredible… he could possibly even rival your ‘hero’ the Action Figure.
IMHO!!!!!!
LOL
Yo Dawg… time for a new post, ain’t it? (Yes, you’re being harrassed by the LAZIEST blogger in Bloggyville!!)
Btw, what the hell happened to my comment from like SIX days ago?! Anyhoo, hope all’s well in your world; did you make it to Jazz Fest last weekend; are you going this weekend? Details, mister!!
**POINK**
I’m going to report you if you don’t post soon. “7 the MIA Blogger” Hurry back would ya? You’re missed!
Lois Lane