Granny’s Got Your Condoms
A few years back I had a notion to go get myself checked over for STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases). I didn’t have any reason to believe that I had caught anything, I just wanted to know for sure for both my own peace of mind and my new girlfriend at the time. I wasn’t exactly sure where the best place to go was, so I called the county health clinic and they said they would do the full spectrum of tests for free. Can’t beat that price!
Next day I went down there and waited a couple of hours until they finally called my name. I was led into a small exam room where they drew about 6 small vials of blood. After that I was sent to another room where I was given an actual visual exam by an older asian lady and she took a small q-tip swab and stuck it into the end of my johnson for a culture sample! Damn that hurt like a bitch and burned for a little while. No fun there! LOL
Part of the service also involved counseling about safe sex practices. After the other procedures were done I was sent to another room where there was this very little old lady that looked to be about 70ish with blue thinning hair and old fashioned granny glasses. In other words she could easily have been my very own grandmother. She told me to sit down at the desk across from her and she started asking me very personal questions about my sexual practices, stuff like did I always use condoms, had I ever had homosexual sex and whether or not I had ever done any intravenous drug use and etc. and so on while she marked my answers down on a questionaire form that she had to complete. She was very straightforward with her questions and I have to say it was very embarrasing, I was really wishing I could get the hell out of there as fast as possible!
When she was finished with that stuff she finally asked me how many condoms did I want to take with me. I mumbled something about I didn’t think I needed any right now but she was very insistent that I take some because as she went on to explain that they were free of charge and I could have as many as I wanted. Here’s the part where it got really embarrassing, she steps into a little store room right in the back of the office and comes out with this gigantic clear cellophane plastic container that looked like it had about 1,000 condoms in it! I looked at her and laughed and said something like OMG I dont think I’ll be needing that many!!!!
She replied that they weren’t all for me, she just had to open the package which she did and handed me a pile of about 30 or 40. Then she picked up a couple and said she was giving me 2 different kinds and went on to explain the differences between the two. One type was pre-lubricated and the other wasn’t but that it was extra thin for extra sensitivity she went on to explain. I don’t have to tell you that by now I was so totally embarrased about what she was telling me about them that I just wanted to hide under the freaking desk! She made me feel like my own grandma was explaining the ins and outs of different condoms to me! Finally she shoved the whole batch of them into a small brown paper bag and sent me on my way. Holy shit, I thought that she was never going to end, I can’t recall ever being that uncomfortable before in my entire life!
Oh yeah, all my tests were negative! LOL
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Would you rather it was some hot & sexy young thing telling you how it is?
Reminds me that I never did see the appeal of Dr. Ruth.
When I was in college I went to the university health clinic. I walked in and there were huge fish bowls of condoms everywhere. And by everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE!
Just be glad she didn’t say ” Would you like some ribbed ones for that extra sensation?”
Sorry, couldn’t resist
Well, out with it, you fud: Which condoms worked best?
LOL @ Lisa!!
se7en, that post was hilarious… oh, the things we do for love..
Just think, she COULD have asked you to try them on in office…make sure you got the right fit!
LMAO! great story seven.
ROTFLMAOPOMSTISDF!
TOO FUNNY! I’m sitting here picturing my own grandma handing out condoms! FUNNY!!!
This is my first time here (via Ivy) and you damn near killed me! Seriously, I was lauging so hard I started choking!! Great post ;o)
Ha ha ha ha ha haha!
You go, granny!
I’m sorry…but that was soooooo funny!!
Hilarious!
I can remember the fish bowls in college. Don’t know that I could’ve made it thru the educational stint from Gram. Funny Stuff man.
ROFL that would be very embarrassing!! It’s easier to hear that kind of info from friends or same sex. See why I have a female gyno?!
The 1000 container had me laughing, thinking “she must know you’re a stud” Se7en is gonna be busy LOL
Have a great day! *HUGS* Here’s to Grandmas and sex ed.
LMFAO ~ so you finally got “the talk”!!!
Could be worse-I used to be an Episcopalian, and one of our deacons is known as “the condom lady”, as she worked as a nurse for the county health department. I was in there once for a TOTALLY NON-RELATED issue, and she offered my GIF and I condoms…….yeah, that was interesting.
First time here, I will be back!
I would have bailed as soon as she walked into the room. Way to stick it out!
OMG….you are too funny. Safe sex is where it’s at.
Geezzzz……I lost this address so I’ve been missing ya, but have no fear, the stalking game has begun again.
Kind of reminds me of Dr. Sue Johanson. EVer seen her show? LINK
Nothing quite like seeing grandma with a giant dildo! One with dual stimulators no less and she knows how to diddle them.
Did she give you any glow in the dark condoms? Those always sound like fun.
OMG this is too funny but it so reminds me of right before I got married. I was working at a hospital and knew most of the OB/GYN physicians and had to make a decision on who I was going to use and go see them and get a new script for BC pills. I decided I would go to the older physician since he would make me feel the least uncomfortable….BIG MISTAKE. I have gone in and he talks to me in his office first and then he has his assistant take me to the exam room where I get undressed and ready for the exam and they come back When that is over I am told to come back to his office so he can finish talking to me and give me my RX. I go back to his office he says have a seat Vickie….well young lady you know things have changed so much since I was your age and I want to make sure you understand one thing now that you are about to get married…If you want to have sex with your man you just grabhim by his penis and pull him down on the kitchen floor and go at it….that is not how it use to be done but times are changing….My face was so red…here was a man who had delivered my husband and was older than my dad saying that and I went to him so I would not be uncomfortable….Oh well I learned age had nothing to do with comfort level with a physician. I told my soon to be mother-in-law about it because he was her doctor and she laughed and said sounds just like him…. so Seven I have news for you I might have been yanking and the condom could come right off…lol
Kisses sweet one….Have missed you.
ahem. what’s a, comdom?? (*poink*)
Well Blog bless condom toting Grannies!
I’m glad your ding-dong was A-okay. 
Lois Lane
*giggle*
The new Mint Trojans…..I have tested, approve, and reccommend
ha! that’s funny that they have a granny in charge of that - what a cruel joke! lol I have to answer those “do you se condoms…have you ever had homosexual sex, intravenous drug use” questions every year at my annual gyno exam….I mean, seriously, who would admit to that shit anyway?
LMAO…I’d have been asking if she had another hundred she could spare!
Hilarious story! That’s too funny! And I’m glad all of your tests were okay!