i’m a frikkin’ BUTCHER…
…of lawns and anything green. If it grows I’ll kill it. I’m like the grim reaper with a weedeating, high-powered, fossil-fuel enraged scythe of death and destruction. Nothing stands in my way, NOTHING. Flowers? DOOMED. Nice shrubbery? Marked for DEATH. Don’t even get me started on anything that even remotely resembles a weed, they deserve special attention. If they grow back too quickly they will feel the wrath of my own brand of Agent Orange like slow death by extreme chemical poisoning. And even that is being too nice to them!
Lawnmowers are my familiars and weapon of choice, the more rickety and barely running piece of crap the better. Extremely dull, rusty ass blades for maximum hitting power. Riding mowers? Even better, I can utilize maximum horsepower at higher speeds to deal death to a wider variety of flora in a minimum amount of time.
Hedge trimmers? You want it to look like a guy on a 3 day tequila drunk hacked them bitches up, hire me! I can really wreak havoc on them, and never feel a single ounce of remorse. Electric power will do in a pinch but for maximum impact go for the gas powered death dealers, they kick ass and make shitloads of loud noises to trumpet your arrival. They cringe in fear at the sight of me bearing down on their countenance with a swordfish like gasoline powered saw.
Weedeaters! Hell yeah, now we’re talking. The high pitched, whining sound of a 2 stroke powered monofilament string blade is music to my ears as I swing it to and fro, to and fro, wiping out all the flora that dare stand in my path. A huge bonus is making fire ants feel the extreme sting of the nylon as it deals out a swath of death from above as my machine mows down their mud domiciles with glee! Almost nothing makes me feel quite so giddy and full of joy!
But, I do have a soft side, I love trees! Even in my own yard! And everywhere else for that matter, the more the better! Its the grass and the shrubs and the weeds that annoy me, demanding to be tended to and to be kept trim and watered, and paid attention to, eating into my valuable time and constantly annoying the hell out of me. Making me SNEEZE and causing runny noses and puffy, itchy eyes and itchy red skin!!!
Die bastard plants, DIE.
Trees generally take care of themselves and are always welcome. I’ve even been known to plant a few in moments of severe sentimental weakness. But the perfect lawn for me is asphalt or concrete painted green to resemble a lawn, or covered with astroturf, that would rock my nuts!
One of my favorite expressions is, “if I moved in next door to you, your lawn would die.” That one always makes me smile.
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waha! FIRST!
that’s why I live in a condo. no lawncare required of me.
i do have a nice potted herb garden on the balcony, which will die once the heat of summer hits and I forget to water twice a day.
hooray for the brown thumbed!
It sucks. I need to take care of my lawn, but my schedule is so messed up that I sometimes go a couple months without taking care of it. I wanted to take care of it this weekend before Nanner got here, but I lost the chance due to our Easter schedule.
Missed your last post. I still read it and it looks like you guys had so much fun. I only hope we can come close to showing her as good a time as you did. Oh well, we’ll have fun trying right?
Ahh the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Gardener, I used to be one of those.
Now I let it run wild… but then I did plant stuff that works best running wild. Oh and someone else mows the lawn.
My BF gave me a pot of Mums for Valentines’ day, and they’re still alive.
It amazes me to no end. I have such a black thumb *hugs*
I have a few dozen pictures of trees around here somewhere…I’ll send you a few; you can decorate your wall….
…and astroturf? DUDE!!!! BBQ? Your house? This saturday? AND you’re providing all the booze? I’ll be there!
oh, btw, nice picture!
I love the comments header pic! “Tim Allen” on LDS (oh! that’s a religion - oops) LSD.:lol:
For me its the polar opposite - full time job in the yard if I let it - seriously, it’s the only house on the block that isn’t there - ya can’t see the house for the trees (and other foliage)
ok, if we ever meet, it will be at your place
Pssst… hey Sev! They make drugs for the sneezies and wheezies, y’know?
I’m the opposite… I love mowing grass and digging in the dirt. Can’t wait to buy a house where I can plant annuals and perennials and have an herb garden and a regular garden and… Yeah, give me a yard any day over the concrete jungle I overlook.
chain saws! i want a crazed man and a chainsaw to show up! I have no qualms whatsoever attacking mesquite trees out here, they fight back! Side’s, where do ya think i get the firewood for them mesquite pit BBQ’s, huh?
LOVE yer souped up mower there pard.. *poink*
Then I must have been born of your blood because for the life of me I cannot keep anything green alive. That’s why my husband and I made a deal a long time ago, that he would take care fo the outside and I would take care of the inside. Now silk plants? Those I can handle!!!
i killed an air plant.
top that cowboy.
I think my husband would agree with your affection for asphalt. He’d even be happy to shovel it by himself, as long as he got to roll it out too.
Flowers? Who needs ‘em? My squirrels just eat them anyway.
I love the smell of Roundup in the morning.
ESC= condo life rulez!! i’m jealous, especially if you have your own parking spot for your car! I was born with a steel thumb apparently, if it’s mechaniacal i can make it work. anything else dies at my slightest touch!! LOL
Jethro= I hope you guys have as much fun as I did! Nanner makes for great company and verrry easy on the eyes! hehehe!
Noonie= LOL that would be me! and hiring in a hitman for your lawn sounds like a good idea!!
Wenchy= sounds like ya got some hardy mums!! sounds like a smart man, better than roses that wither on the stem after just a few days *poink*~!!!
tCj= Hell yes, we can kill some more lawn in the process too, and maybe some shrubs I’ve seen lurking about. Thanks on the pic, I found a stock picture of the mower and painted in the reaper and scythe and flame jobbed the mower hahaha
Seamus= I love having a nice big dog, trained in the art of crapping on the neighbors front lawns! Is buffledog for hire? LOL
Mike= is your lawn sensitive? LOL works for me anyway tho, meeting you would be cool!
Cooter Angie= I know sweetie, but they all have a nasty drowsiness factor for me, more severe than most people it seems, taking them and then using power tools is a bit dangerous, I like living on the edge but I’m kind of attached to my fingers and toes!! LOL I have respect for people with green thumbs
Magz= then i’m your guy! hehehe ! *poink*~!!!
Lilly= hi love~!! silk plants sound like a safe bet and they look nice to boot hehee!
Allie= I love when ya talk dirty like that! LOL
E-Lo= hey grrrl~! your hubby sounds like my kinda guy!! Cute squirrels eatin’ the flowers??? awwww, damn their cute little hearts!!
Tiny= LOL thats a good way to look at it, my fave new expression!! stolen!! hahaha!!
;);)
Please, for the love of God, stay away from my yard!! It’s taken me 7 years to get it looking this good. Love you anyway…….*smooch*
Me too, stay away from my beautifully manicured yard. Gah. You can visit, but don’t touch any of the yard tools!!
Y’all come visit me anytime. I’ve been thinking for years of covering all the grass with decorative rock and a sculpture garden, Vegas style.
I’ve been known to kill plastic plants.
You be careful out there, poinker. I understand them fire ants can really kick ass.
I swear my husband wrote this. He’d like to pave our yard too!!
bwaaahahahaha! What a freakin’ riot! I LOVE the picture above, too. You’ve outdone yourself.
I should turn you loose on my front yard. Really. It’s a fucking jungle and I can’t control it.
I always liked the idea of a yard with grass and plants up until I moved into a real live house and realized such things needed more care than I have the patience to give. I’ll take a yard of asphalt any day.
I’m the same. If it’s green, I kill it. If it’s anything else, I can at least figure out part of it! Riding mowers… fun stuff. My younger brother and I used to pretend to be mowing the lawn when we were teens. We’d ride that sucker in 5th gear around the yard until his mother (usually) noticed and yelled at us. Then we’d putter around in 3rd for a while, then throw it back in 5th! It was even more fun when we had the wagon attached to it!
It’s either water the plants or feed the cat. Cat makes more noise.
Here’s hoping you get your astroturf soon
New York Apartment! No lawn. No car…
I personally have a TANK OF DEATH! I’ve managed to kill more fish over the past couple of years than I care to mention. At least I’ve had better luck with my cats!
Kristin= hi love!! Ok, no lawn work for Kristin hehehe
Brighton= booo, no playing with lawn tools, o…k hehe!!
Cybele= ok! now where do ya live LOL!!
OHS= my friend! fire ants bite like lil sumbitches, that shit HURTS!!
Dawn= hehehe, like minds….
Celti= you sweet nut!! Love ya!! HUGZ!!! a jungle huh hmmmm….
Gooch= yeah, man, women always cringe at the thought of a blacktopped lawn, maybe cause they don’t usually have to cut that shit down hahaha!
Angel= and next you’ll be telling us that you run with scissors!! !!!! be careful hon!!!
Becka= LOL, no cats here thank you very much hehe!! *poink*~!!!
Last Girl= a Tank of Death LOL, now that sounds like F.U.N. i’m happy for your cats too!! haha!!
Hello oh dark and leathery one…
Lawns are why god created concrete!
So baby, you want to come pave my lawn?
I was once forced to mow the lawn with a pair of scissors.
The answer to your problem: dandelions. Them weeds are vicious and they don’t grow very tall. Just once a year you’d have to mow to get the flowers gone before they mess with your sinuses. They will take over anything quicker than grass and other weeds can blink.
I run with scissors? Dayyum, how’d you know?!
Bet you can’t wait to get old and live in those retirement communities that have rocks in their front yard? Fun, fun!
He won’t ever get old; have you heard his stories? He eludes death and time!
He’ll be hanging about offering each of us advice on how to rid the yard of the troublesome greens when we’re all too old and decrepit (sp?) to do so ourselves!
My lawn died as I read.
I love the new animated header!
Lois Lane
I have 5 arces here that has to be mowed with lots of trees, and a pond, but no flower beds, I kill flowers, I kill everything that does not take care of itself. Oh Yeah thats why I have friends, they take care of all the things that need to be watered, LOL… and I never get flowers for special occassions, they die within 2 days.. YEP I would say my thumb is BLACK. and hey, thanks for the BD wishes,
You sound like my husband, the original Lawn Nazi. I have to line all my flower beds with boulders to keep him away, and the guy STILL tries to ride over them! We go through more blades than I care to admit.
Tricia= hell yeah, sounds like some groovin’ fun, want it trimmed to?
Micki= scissors!! OMG i’ll bet that sukked!!
Angel= you must have borrowed Mickis scissors haha! *smooches*~!!
Jeanette= you are one smart lady, i cannot wait!! LOL
tCj= LOL, how i wish that were true, really!
Lois= OMG, i’m even worse than I thought! plants die even at long distances from my influence~!!!
Jade= a fellow plant killer, weee!!! and your welcome on the B’Day wishes!!
Mongakim= hahaha Lawn Nazi!! that’s hilarious! Don’t spare the blade!
meeep you mean it;s your fault the plant my mother in law got me for my birthday is dying? Or is that cos I forgot to water it?
You rock Se7en! I went mow my Moms grass for her and she told me to spray a “little” round up, half thaqt yard was dead man I am telling you. Now I go borrow my brother in law’s gas powered weed wacker to trim the yard!
Tress are great unless they are starting to age and branches begin to fall everywhere!
In Arizona people have rock yards, I like those!
I want a sand/rock garden…like what the asians have. I saw a purrrty one online once…The only problem is all that sand…. :-/
….but all those rocks! WEEEEE!!!!! Oh, and NO greens!
Maybe a tree or two, but that’s it.
You should make your yard like that! Hm…but the wind would blow the sand away…a covered yard? Probably best for Louisiana…but expensive…hmm….just dirt and rocks then..and trees…have really good boots for mud?
Plants are evil. I don’t trust ‘em. When a tree falls in the woods, and no one’s around… they’re secretly planning something. And if you heard the sound, you’d freak out, man…
Interesting things are a’happnin in the neighborhood…Unless you have already heard, come check my new post. Are you ready to protect me?
Noonie= LOL, maybe that one’s yours !!
Blue= LOL, Roundup kicks ASS on grass don’t it?
tCj= don’t want no sand in your schlitz! no no no!!!
Michael= wow, yeah, I never thought about that! I’ll be more careful alone in the woods….
Lilly= I read your post dawlin’ but I’m still in the dark about some of it. And of course i’ll do whatever I can !!! *smooch*~!!
8)8)