Should I Stay or Should I Go Now…
One season when I was a teenager the offshore work for a diver tender was getting off to a slow start so I signed on as a welders helper to go on a natural gas production platform in the Gulf of Mexico. Being a gas platform there was no smoking allowed anywhere on the rig except inside the specially closed off living quarters on the main deck. Natural gas is colorless and odorless, it doesn’t have any smell until the gas company adds it in after processing inshore. In other words, you could be standing directly in an area where the air itself is flammable or even explosive depending on the amount present and not even know it.
If you know even the tiniest bit about welding and cutting steel, you know that it means you’re using high-current electrical arcs and very high temperature flame to burn thru solid steel. The platform needed some modifications done to add in new equipment and we were there to take care of that detail, except no one had told me beforehand the type of working conditions. I was 17 yrs old, wet behind the ears, with no firefighting training, and I really enjoyed living, so what the hell was I doing there?
One thing you didn’t do when working in industries like that was show any signs of being a wuss or wimpy or a candy ass, the men would seize on it and ride you with teasing till your life was miserable. Saying you didn’t wanna get your ass blown to smithereenies and back fell under the category of being a wuss, so I kept my mouth shut and wished I had some way to walk on water or I would have gotten my not so happy butt off that crazy thing FAST.
The horror of being labeled a candy ass was quickly demonstrated to a hapless electrician that became the butt of many jokes and relentless teasing after he showed what he was made of on our very first task on this job. This man had a brand new toolbox with fancy tools and screwdrivers and such and wore all new uniform clothes, yeah, this guy absolutely reeked of newbieness. You just didn’t bring ALL new clothes on a job much less brand spanking new tools. He was ripe for the picking and an easy target for fun at the hands of the crew. The welder I was helping wasn’t particularly pleasant to start with, either, he chewed tobacco and had a nasty ass habit of spittin’ that disgusting chew all over the deck. He was an older guy and looked like he had seen too many seasons offshore, rough face and hands caused by a long, hard scrabble life but with lots of job experience.
The electrician had some cables to be run inside of a steel enclosure on the main deck, this involved him on a ladder holding the cable clamps to the ceiling where he wanted them placed and the welder on another ladder there to weld the clamps to the steel ceiling. This meant lots of little balls of molten metal falling down all over you and a shower of hotsparks. This shit could burn right thru ordinary clothes so you wore heavy leather sleeves and a jacket to keep it from burning thru, BUT a good hunk of molten steel would get that leather so damn hot you wanted to yell because it burned so bad and may even leave a blister right thru the leathers. You did not yell, you did not jump, you did not complain, and you most definitely did not whine, this was the JOB and if you were too wussy to do it you had no business being there. Complaining like a little baby was just not done!! Too bad for the electrician, he sealed his fate with so much bitchin’ and moanin’ and whinin’ about the hot sparks being hot and the metal was burning him and this and that till the point where the welder got so angry he welded the mans screwdriver to the ceiling with the clamp and then ran the current down the shaft and burned it off right at the handle! When he looked up and saw what was done I swear the man started crying! Crying over a cheap-ass piece of shit screwdriver! His fate was forever sealed, he joined the ranks of gurly-men everywhere and would never leave. He was in offshore hell, with nowhere to go and no escape from a week full of torment till the next boat going inshore arrived. No man likes being called a sissy, ever.
The next day I had a test of will that scared the bejeebus out of me and very nearly caused me to jump a hundred feet down into the sea. Me and the welder went to a lower deck and he showed me where he was going to be cutting a hole in the floor of the steel deck above. The hole was to be directly above one of the well heads where the gas was coming up out of the ocean floor, it was covered with all kinds of small piping and gauges and such to monitor the gas pressure and stuff. He had me get a fire extinguisher and said to standby there and put out the fire when he starts burning overhead as the gas will catch fire from the hot sparks falling. I thought he was kidding about it catching fire, I mean I thought I must surely have been there for just in case it would , not when it would.
I quickly found out it was no joke, the sparks fell, the fire started and I mean all this shit was in flames, big flames and it was spreading across the piping like crazy. Yeah, the thought of a near nuclear type blast ensuing next as the gas exploded into a fiery inferno sending debris for miles into the air, and me along with it crossed my mind and I was momentarily petrified, I had the extinguisher in hand but my first thought was to chuck the sumbitch and haul ass to the rail and leap overboard! I didn’t of course, I hitched up my pants and cranked up that extinguisher and quickly put the fire out. I was SO elated, you just have no idea. Of course I now had a swelled head, as I felt like I had saved everyone from imminent doom by my heroic actions, but I was wrong I quickly found out. When I excitedly told the welder what happened he laughed and said yeah, that sometimes happens, why did I think he said to standby with the extinguisher?
I was no hero, I had just done what was expected of me as a man. It was a rite of passage for me though, I had faced possible disaster and death in my own mind and stood my ground, and I was damn glad the welder didn’t notice the slight tremble in my voice and hands a few minutes later.
Or maybe he did, and just respected me enough that he didn’t mention it. We got along pretty good after that, I was now one of the men, no longer a mere boy.
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Damn what a story—a little sizzle to it there anyway….Have I pissed you off lately or something?
Yay I’m first… LOL, hell he probably had Craftsman tools… he can get em replaced.
Happy St. Patty’s Day.
Heh, yeah my husband used to go offshore when we first married, he was an operator/supervisor or some shit……Anyway he has lots of scars to prove the shit he went through, ya just didn’t go to the doc onboard for some reason, know reading your post I now why, he would have been labled a wuss even though he is a pretty big guy, lol He came home with a gash in his arm that could have required stitches, but nope he dion’t tell anyone, just suffered in silence. Also almost broke his ankle, again suffered and came home with a HUGE swollen ankle, which was very painful. He is a certified welder but I don’t think he did any of that offshore, he did that stuff in the shop……. Now a days he is in the position where he gets to send the guys offshore, none of that anymore for him (thank goodness) That is the oilfield for ya though, our life….
Oh yeah Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!
An interesting insight into offshore life. Fascinating. You should write about this more often.
that was a fun stroy Sev, happy St Pat, my wife is Irish, this is a big day
Welding is fun! Bet you didn’t expect to hear that from a ‘girl’.
I learned in my senior year, in a vo-tech class. Apparently I run a good bead on an arc welder, and learning the blowtorch was just fun!
Working where gas is in the air, that’s just nuts. Great story. Besides the danger, it sounds like you had some fun. Learned a bit about yourself too, I bet.
Waves from the “somewhat warm and not snowing for a change on St Patty’s Day in Canada” to Sev — Cheers on St Patty’s Day - have a green beer for me would ya
I am so glad my job does not involve the threat of fire. That would make me cry for sure.
Happy St. Patty’s Day!!
great story! just read it out loud to me and my 17 yr old.. he laffed like hell and gave ya a HUGE thumbs up *POINK*
Harley= LOL they were I think hehe, but i’m not sure if having them intentionally burned in 2 pieces is warranty covered!! LOL
Leslie= yeah, it’s true, no matter how big you are you can get labeled easily, weakness is not tolerated at all. you’re either a man or you’re not. hehe and same to you sweetie!!
Nannerpeach= thanks, I’m glad you liked it hon =)
Mike= hey dude Happy St Pats!
Micki= would you be surprised if I figured you for a welder? lol yes? ok i lie hahaha!! yeah, it was fun, who could deny being at sea wouldn’t be.
Cowboy= hey dude!! green beer every freekin’ where! same to you bro!!
Brighton= I’ll bet you set guys on fire everywhere you go, don’t tell me that!! *poink*~!! hehe and Hppy St Pats to you too! =)
Magz= hey hon!!! thanks sweetheart!!! *POINKS*~!!! to you too!!
Angel= my dear !!!!!!!! thanks for that email, and Hoppy St Pats to you!!!!!!!!!! *smooch** =0~!!
I come from a family of welders. To me, slag means more than just a brittish ho.
Cool story Seven. One of my favorites so far. And that poor electrician. Don’t cry over melted screwdrivers.
Happy St. Paddy’s day, candy ass! LMAO
I can’t read the word sumbitch, without thinking of Jackie Gleason in Smoky and the Bandit! Did you at least get to work next to Jennifer Beals? Ya little maniac.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day!
Lois Lane
Since you can’t partake, I leave you an honorary Jack and Coke….
so several different jobs make you “sizzle” then huh se7en?
I’m glad you survived the ego boost. ;P
Would you suggest a job like that to a pyro like me?
*poink*
((HAPPY GREEN BEER DAY))
Ginny= LOL, i totally forgot that was a british slang word! Love them myself, gimme a fag (cigarette) was one of my fave expressions hahaha oh and Happy B’Day to you!!!
Zelda= thanks sweetheart!! ya theres no crying at work, what the hell, he thought it was baseball or sumshit? LOL
Celti= LMAO too, you big meanie!! *poink*~!!!!!!!!!!!!
candy ass, my ass!! hehe
Lois= that was some of Jackies best work I think besides the old Honeymooners, that guy was truly insane, ever read his Bio? amazing guy really.
Angel= you silly girl, I wanna REAL J & C not the virtual ones boooo!! but thanks for thinkin’ bout me sweetie!!!
tCj= yeah I lived, many times hehe, much to my dismay a few times though LOL you pyro, I could just imagine you as the lead in Firestarter haha!!
*slurp* yummy green beer YAY!!
Allie= Hey grrrrrl!! yeah, sizzle is FUN hehe *smooch*
How much kick you want to it? I used to be able to drink ‘em pretty strong… if I tried that now, I think I’d keel over instantaneously!! I wonder if that’s spelled right… hmmm…..
man brother, you have some stories to tell, hope you have a good st pattys.
Just wanna let you know, I never expected your code to be perfect
I was seeing if you came up with same errors as me, with the blogger and java script codes. 
Just a learning process for me.
You know, for such a serious post, you had a lot of things in there that appealed to my juvenile sense of humor.
It started with the “natural gas platform” and degenerated to “candy ass” and “butt of many jokes” and “spitting disgusting chew”.
Heh. Maybe, someday like you, I’ll be a real man. Err, woman. Or whatever. (thinks of that link Jay posted a couple weeks ago)
*snickering*
If you were a cat, I’d say you’ve pretty much used up your nine lives.
Angel= drop by sweetheart!! we’ll down a few LOL
Cav= hi hi hon!! hope you’re doin’ well!! and yeah, i’m just full of shit LOL.
Micki= oh sure!! now you just come over and kick that pedestal right out!! LOL j/k i understand
Jeanette= you never cease to amaze me!! comic genius at your fingertips all day long, you need another blog to let all that naughtiness and improvisational skills come to the surface!! hell yeah! *snicker*~!!
Laurie= omg don’t even say that!!! arrgh!! LOL
hehe
That’d be so much fun!!!
One of these days… yes, one of these days…..
Happy Late St Paddys day to you! *hugs and aussie smoochies*
That’s why I visit you. Interaction, my dear Watson, interaction.
always a happening place. and what a chilling story. xxxxxxxxxxxxx’s
Angel= oh yeah!! that would be awesome!!
D’ Anerah= thanks sweetie!! same backatcha!!
Veronica! dawlin’!! hehe, good to see you out and about!! oh yeah!!!
Vickie= of course not sweetheart!!, you are much luvved!!! very much!! *poink*~!!!
Dearest is a gas pipeline welder for the utility company. Reading this entry is like a day in his life. Ohhhhhhhhh the stories I could tell you! He LOVES his job and and thinks it’s cool as shit. It worries the hell out of me. I remind him daily that he’s worth a lot if he blows himself up.
Happy Friday!
*poink!*
I was glad that I grew up working with my dad and at my Uncles fabrication shop. By the time I was 18 and woking for halliburton I knew exactly what a sky hook and left handed pipe wrench were. LOL
Imagine the havoc we could cause,
Okay, I’m much more mellow in person, LOL
Kristin!!!!! *waves* Miss you!
KRISTIN!!!!!! holy shit it’s KRISTIN!!! hi sweetheart!!! *smooches******~!
Celti= hi dearie!!! ooo Friday!!! hehe i’ll be by there !!!
Blue= hell yeah dude!! and don’t forget the 50ft of shoreline and the bucket full of acetylene!!
Angel= we would embarrass everyone within a 1/4 mile radiius LOL and yeah, Kristin IS missed *sniff*
!!!!!
Ok Seven, this is a formal request for you to put your Mr. Big pic back up. Really. Now. *ahem*
1/4 mile? Hell, we’d be heard all the way up here!!!
Brighton= eeep!!! no wanted poster fun? LOL =))
Angel= dawlin!!! silly!!! *poink*~!
I just love that you look like Mr.Big, remember when Carrie dressed up as a Candy Striper for him?…..
It’s been awhile mi amigo. I followed a link from Brighton’s site to Denny’s blog and wowwowwow….the design is fab. Don’t listen to Trish. I like the long hair photo.
Hey now Veronica, so I think Mr. Big is sexy, Seven could indulge me ya know…lol
yikes!!!
I remember shop glass in middle school - they actually had us do welding!! well, not me though. I was too afraid of hurting myself, so I had a boy do it for me. And a girly-girl was born.
Great story.. I’m offshore Monday, so kinda got me ready. With all the forms there isn’t time for any of that. I was fire watching a few months ago, not fun to be honest.
Those first trips are amazing. Mine was a diver rig in the Norwegian sector. Worked for 72 hours straight, no complain, just far too much cafeen and cookies. boy was I green then.
Take care s
Brighton= LOL i’m tugged in 2 directions here!! and i’m wanting to grow my hair long again hehe
Veronica= !! woot hiya baby!! good your out and about in blogland!! xoxoxox’s!!
Dawn= now see theres not a thing wrong with being a girly girl hahahaa
Stever= hey dude, you be careful out there and get back safe and sound!! yeah I remeber working round the clock many times, maybe hit 72 hours myself, and man does the pay ROCK thats some killer ass overtime!!
That is crazy, so sorry for the candy ass electrician it sucks when that happens, but good for you sometimes you just have to suck that shit up and roll with the punches!
What an awesome story - rights of passage and all - surely there is more lurking around out there.
Seriously thought about welding on the Alaska Pipeline but decided on a saner (and warmer) course of stitching together missiles instead
Is that Ang with you in the picture?
*poink!!!!*
Charon= hi hon!! yeah, men can be awful bullies, worse than school kiddies sometimes!! hahaha
Seamus= hey guy! whats up? Yeah, I almost went there to Alaska myself at one time!
Angel= yup, thats Angie alright!!!!
Great story! Just got home from the skeg we had to weld the frame of a compressor back on before the thing shook right off the piles. The chopper ride to the middle of the swamp was cool though…