wake up…
wake up… Mr. Seven, it’s 4 AM, time for your blood sample.
I rouse slightly, vaguely aware that there is someone near me. I think I hear speech but it makes no sense. I can’t speak, my mind is so in a dense fog I can’t form the thoughts to translate into words. The large amounts of ammonia in my brain has shut down almost all my mental faculties. My failing liver is the cause, it’s not removing the ammonia like a normal one. High ammonia levels shut your thinking processes down and you can’t remember one fleeting thought from one moment to the next. You’re a zombie, comatose and dead to the world, nothing that happens matters, you only wish the thoughts and the sleep interuptions would cease so you can remain in peaceful bliss, sleeping, not knowing or unable to understand what has become of you.
Death beckons, it’s a longing to let go, to just allow the what seems inevitable to occur without fighting it would be welcome. You smell like death, everything around you smells like death, you feel like you’re already dead, why hang on? People are moving about you, adjusting things, touching you, moving you, sticking needle after needle in you, washing you, forcing you to eat, to drink, this is not welcome, to you it’s an intrusion into your blissful sleep, you just want them to go away so you can die in peace.
Why do they make me live? You’ve died twice before and they revived you each time, but it’s a vague memory and it passes as quickly as it came, why won’t these people just let me go? Dammit, just fucking let me die….
Hours later, they wake me again, Mr Seven, we need to weigh you… Again, I can’t speak, I’m more alive now but my throat is so dry that I can’t move my throat or tongue to form words, not even the simplest ones, the massive doses of diuretics have dried my withered body out so bad that speech is nearly impossible even if I can gather the thoughts needed to form the words.
Weighing means actually getting out of bed and standing. My body is so badly weakened from being bedridden, barely able to move for months, a near impossible task, the sheer thought of standing is a process that takes a couple of minutes for me to absorb, it feels like I’m planning a battle, as the body movements needed to stand are almost beyond my mental capacity. It takes a few minutes to plan every movement of every muscle, improvising as I go. Finally with lots of help I’m seated at the edge of the bed nearly ready to attempt to stand.
I’m freezing cold now, no matter what temperature it is in the room, i’m buried beneath piles of blankets in a futile attempt to stay warm, my body now shivering uncontrollably as I try to reach out for the handrail of the portable scale. I notice my hand shaking violently as though I was a drunk with severe delirium tremors, the handrail seems miles away. I lurch forward and with all my strength attempt to keep my legs under me. I waver and nearly fall but catch myself at the last moment, now breathing hard, my lungs working overtime in short breaths, forced nearly to collapse from the huge quantity of fluid that has built up in my chest.
My body is out of the special protein your liver produces to keep your veins, arteries and tissues somewhat water/fluid proof and they leak profusely, the fluid builds up in your chest cavity surrounding your lungs, forcing them to be constricted and inside your lungs at the same time making breathing a huge and difficult chore. The fluid is also building inside your abdomen, surrounding all your internal organs, making them float, awash in water, constricting your stomach and bowels making all normal bodily functions very difficult and time consuming. I step onto the scale, barely able to hangon for the 10 seconds needed to get a reading. I let go of the railing and fall backwards onto my bed, flopping over on my side, barely able to pull myself to the center and get my head on the pillow.
I lay there, trying to go back to sleep, my mind wandering, dreading when they will return in a couple of hours to aggravate and interupt my blissful sleep again, I vaguely recall a revelation a few hours ago, something about wanting to die, now, what was that about… or maybe it was that if I died I would feel better, anything would feel better, even death. I glance up at the wall clock, it’s 6AM now, 2 hours passed between then and now, or was that 4 AM yesterday…
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Oh my goodness Seven I could never imagine having to go through that but I can definately understand with feeling that way just wanting to let it all go, in reality it would seem easier to just “sleep blissfully’ rather than be poked and prodded by a plethora of people. Definately a humbling post for me to read. Makes me value my life and others more and more each day when I pass by your blog and others. *huggles*
Yes my special one these experiences does teach us to love life and live life and love to our best ability once we experience something like this or if we are living with a chronic disease. Huggs for you and me too….Luv ya
Wow. That was very well written. I can ‘see’ what that was like.
Wow, Sev. It’s just amazing….. I don’t know how else to put it, or if that even makes sense to you……..
man, crazy stuff. I have had my moments like that. we get through it though, pretty amazing.
be sure to stop by the blog sometime and feel free to be apart of rally for alli
hope you had a nice weekend.
Wow. I’m speechless. A speechless Wench, how about that?
Charon= thanks love. just thought i would say a bit about about my experience so you all would understand more why i love each and everyone that comes here so much, my life is sooo much better with so many cool friends!!
Vickie= luv ya too darlin’!!!! *smooch*
Micki= thanks hon, I’m so happy to be alive, i hope i’m never in that situation again, life is wonderful!! and I’m healthy again!!!!!
Angel= it’s ok honeybuns!! i know what ya mean !!!xoxo’s!!
Cav= yep, i know you’ve been there sweetie! and of course i’ll be by there!! *hugs*!!!!
MyWickedWench= LOL it’s ok, i’m fine, that story was part of my past, and actually when I think about it, it seems oddly funny to me…..
i’m
fine!
Sev: I’m so glad that your past is history …and now you’ve got a future with a LOT of buddies who are there to support you if you should ever need us! It SUCKS that you had to go through that, though. xoxox
Man…I can’t say that I’ve ever had a life threatening illness so I really don’t know what you’ve been through.
There was the time I drank gasoline and almost died from chemical pneumonia, but that isn’t the same.
I’ve died twice, but that was from injuries sustained through stupidity.
To actually have a disease that isn’t your fault and you have no control over…that’s crazy wrong.
What impresses me most about you is your love of life even in the face of death. That takes courage that I’m not sure I would have.
BTW…I love the new diamond plate. It fits.
What a stirring account of that place you visited. I’m so thankful you came out on the other side intact and whole again. Your passion for life, love for others, and generous spirit is real. xxxxxxx’s
wow. just wow. i’m actually speechless for once. wow. that was really intense, thanks for sharing and lots of aussie hugs *huuuuugs*
stupid questions here… but. Why did they wake you up for a blood test? My daughter’s nurses could do everything as she slept. Second, didn’t they think to use the scales with a chair? Or were they just evil nurses? Even I got scales with chair and I wasn’t feeling ill at all most times.
Excellent post, I am in awe at how you have bounced back, and also how you write about it.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, I know we have all wondered what “ammonia brain” was like for Savannah, thanks for the insight.
I’m so happy that the two of you both got your gift of life!
Last Girl= thanks hon!! that means a lot!!
John= thanks dude!
Veronica= maybe I didn’t die for a reason, lol can’t imagine what tho…
D’ Anerah= thanks sweetheart!! *hugs backatcha*~!!!!
Noonie= i think it was part of their evil plan to keep me alive, to make sure I wouldn’t just slip away, also I imagine so that I wouldn’t jerk when the needle stuck me and tear up my horribly battered veins any worse than they already were. Forcing me to get up and move around was also part of making me get exercise no matter how dreadful it was. They knew I needed all the strength I could muster to survive the 10+ hours in my transplant operation. No matter how much I resisted they still made me get up as I had nothing like broken bones or such to keep me from moving around. =)
Blue= thanks dude!! it was actually kind of fun to write!!
Oh Seven, what a horrible thing to go through. I am so glad you did come through it and are here today. You are a gem.
wow, that was crazy-intense my dear. Reminds me of how I felt when I was sick a few weeks ago, only like times ten. You are an incredibly strong person to have lived through something like that.
*poink*
*hugz*
No dying. *poink* The webwench decrees it as such.
Very well written.
curls toes and cringes, oooh don’t remind me about collapsed veins, nothing is worse than watchign someone digging around in your arm to find the vein, and digging and digging…. gripping onto hubby till he passes out. Good times !
sounds about right on the nursing logic, besides it’s a pain when patients die all that tidying up to do, get them better and they take all their stuff home with them.
you know you could have tried to break a leg, you really didn’t make a real effort did you?
Yeah, well, how was the hospital food? Details, Seven, details.
(Nice job.)
gees! what happened to you!?
I’m glad you pulled through, bro. The world is a much more interesting place with you in it telling your stories.
I know what its like to have trouble breathing and the fight it is to get out of bed…but that intense? Damn. Seven, thank you for sharing.
All I can say is that I am DOUBLY if not TRIPLY looking forward to meeting you this weekend! Glad you’re still suckin’ air, big guy!
{{{{7}}}} **poke, poink, snork**
….i just noticed…you killed roadrunner!!!
Angi= thanks hon!! I’m sooo glad Savannah’s home now!!
Brighton= thanks sweetie! *hugs*
Celti= thank you too!! *poinkz & hugz to you too!!~!
My Wench= yes ma’am!! LOL
Nanner= thankyew! *smooch*
Noonie= I wanted to jump out the window, but I couldn’t muster the strength to open it LOL !!!!!!
OHS= the food sukked ass, as did everything, except for milkshakes and Icee’s hehe
Dawn= I had Hepatitis C for over 20 yrs (by docs estimates) that was so mild I didn’t know i even had it but it was slowly destroying my liver, they transplanted one in last July of 2004 and I’m still in a recovery mode, considered disabled for now…. but I feel great and very happy to be alive!!!!!
Jethro= thanks dude, i got shitloads of crazy stories!!
tCj= your welcome!! *hugs*
CooterA= you said it! can’t wait to meet you too!! weeeeeeeee!!
hehe
as I said complete lack of effort on your part, really some people just don’t know how to make a drama out of a crisis…
I’m so glad that chapter of your life is over! I’m also glad they bugged you and made you get up and didn’t allow you to give up.
xoxo
Lois Lane
where have you been you silly bitch?
Noonie= LOL !!!
Varla= hi hon!! they do some odd shit sometimes that makes you go huh? but it’s all good in the end,…usually , and thanks!!
Lois= thankyew sweetie!! xoxo’s to you too!!
Alli= i been right heah dawlin’ where you’at!?
i’m
alive!
thank god they found a donor for you
what were the warning signs that made you realize you had to go to the hospital?
(big hug) *swats your hand* Behave yourself!
Mike= yes, very lucky, it took quite a while too.
Dawn= the first symptoms were, I started gaining a lot of size in my abdomen without gaining any real weight, I was bloating up with fluid in a bad way and I was having difficulty eating, even a few bites of any food made me feel tremendously full!
Jeanette= thanks sweetheart!! oww! =)
Amazing.
Wow, Seven. That’s crazy. Gives me a whole new perspective on that kind of intense medical stuff. Great descriptions. Glad you are back in the land of the living.